I Didn’t Clean The Kitchen Last Night
Are you sufficiently horrified? This is the sight I woke to this morning.
The Husband (I like calling him that) had been on-call for 60 hours and he stumbled home last night, absolutely exhausted. He fell into the chair, and I could tell, he just couldn’t move, let alone talk. I felt like dropping myself; however, seeing him in such a state gave me a little extra energy to put his needs above mine. (I know that sounds sickeningly like the perfect wife, and I’m far from that, but I felt so much compassion for him and he’s usually helpful around dinner). I placed food in-front of the children and then gave a plate to my husband, still in the chair, with a glass of milk. A glass of milk? I don’t know why I gave him a glass of milk; I rarely do that, but it felt like the nurturing thing to do — go figure.
The children took their plates to the kitchen sink. I don’t remember telling them a story. Did I? I certainly had no energy left to clean the kitchen. So there it was, sitting patiently for me this morning. Today, I feel fresher, and I can tackle the mess. I don’t like leaving the kitchen a mess but in a way, I feel good about it. I feel good about it because I was able to prioritise what was important for our family in the moment, and — stuff the rest. It was important, for the moment that has now past, to invest in my husband — I know it.
Sometimes, when my husband comes home I say this:
“I didn’t do very well in the house today, but I loved the children.”
He smiles. And then I smile.
Other Be A Fun Mum Links
What is Love?
I’m not into Valentine’s Day (a quality my husband really loves, hehe). However, it’s prompted me to ask this questions: what is love? In my opinion, the media has done love no favours. In fact, I would go as far to say the concept of love has been butchered. The media often promotes the love ‘highs’ and the love ‘lows’ and the love ‘highs’ again. It seems to be about what you can get out of love rather than what you can give.
Why, why, why is the divorce rate so high? And this figure doesn’t include break downs in long standing relationships. Why, why, why is love so messy? Shouldn’t it be a simple thing? I know, I know, we don’t live in a simple or perfect world. And I don’t have any illusions how hard it can be to love. That brings me to my story.
People look at me, at my children, and at my marriage, and think I have the perfect life. My husband is successful, I have four beautiful children and an extended family who love me. Indeed, I feel very blessed, but the journey hasn’t been all smooth sailing for me. Indeed, there have been times where I’ve just lay on the ground, unable to move, feeling the burden of despair.
Despair: loss of hope. Often, when you get to the point of despair, things become clear because everything is taken away; bones stripped bare. In my second year of marriage, after our first child was born, my husband suffered a total break down. I was in a new city, with a new baby, knew no one and my other half stopped functioning – literally. It’s hard to see someone you love reduced to a shell; so very hard. The breakdown was followed by 6 years of major depression.
I was raised to just-get-on-with-it, so, at first, I just couldn’t get my head around the situation. Overtime, I have truly come to appreciate the affects of mental illness. For years, I was flying solo, trying to look after the children the best I could with nothing in the tank and this is when I discovered something truly wonderful.
God taught me something truly wonderful. I had the opportunity to learn what real love is all about. It’s not about romance or sex; it’s not about roses or chocolate (but they certainly help, especially chocolate); it’s not about feeling emotional or being fulfilled; it’s about giving when you get nothing back. Yep, that’s what real love is about, loving unconditionally. Love is a choice, not a feeling.
This truth is sometimes hard to comprehend. Isn’t love all about the beautiful feeling of connection with another person? I agree, emotions and attraction have a huge part to play in love; however, you can’t base love on feelings. Feelings are so transient and changeable. Love is a choice.
This love is powerful; it never fails. I’m happy to say that my husband is well and our marriage is stronger than ever. We feel more ‘in love’ than ever too. I can say that I’m grateful for the hard times because I’ve had the opportunity to learn real love. When I talk to any couple who obviously have a strong relationship, I discover they’ve ALL gone through a crisis of some type. It’s the hard times that make us stronger.
Don’t be fooled by what the media says, that you need to pursue your own needs and that it’s all about your own fulfillment; how terribly boring. That sort of love doesn’t last. The love that gives lasts forever, like the love gifted to Mothers. What is love? Love is unconditional and free but it costs you everything.
Note: I ackowledge there are some situations where there is no solution to a relationship. I would hate to seem preachy. I’m just telling of my story and of the love I’ve found. Be encouraged.
Further Reading
Read my Love Story
I love SquiggleMums recent post, Marriage First
The ultimate guide to real love: 1 Corinthians 13
Why hard times make you strong: James 1:2-4
