Are you sufficiently horrified? This is the sight I woke to this morning. 

The Husband (I like calling him that) had been on-call for 60 hours and he stumbled home last night, absolutely exhausted. He fell into the chair, and I could tell, he just couldn’t move, let alone talk.  I felt like dropping myself; however, seeing him in such a state gave me a little extra energy to put his needs above mine. (I know that sounds sickeningly like the perfect wife, and I’m far from that, but I felt so much compassion for him and he’s usually helpful around dinner).  I placed food in-front of the children and then gave a plate to my husband, still in the chair, with a glass of milk.  A glass of milk?  I don’t know why I gave him a glass of milk; I rarely do that, but it felt like the nurturing thing to do — go figure. 

The children took their plates to the kitchen sink. I don’t remember telling them a story. Did I?   I certainly had no energy left to clean the kitchen.  So there it was, sitting patiently for me this morning.  Today, I feel fresher, and I can tackle the mess. I don’t like leaving the kitchen a mess but in a way, I feel good about it.  I feel good about it because I was able to prioritise what was important for our family in the moment, and — stuff the rest. It was important, for the moment that has now past, to invest in my husband — I know it.

Sometimes, when my husband comes home I say this:

“I didn’t do very well in the house today, but I loved the children.”

He smiles. And then I smile.

Other Be A Fun Mum Links

Hurry! Finding the Play Button

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Three Gates: Words of Wisdom

Colin and his family. Universal Studios in Singapore.

Colin Wee is a strikingly energetic person.  This energy comes through his words as he writes as The Original SuperParent.  He is positive and real; honest and frank; strong minded and has a great sense of humour. Colin’s vitality extends to his role as a 5th degree black belt Taekwondo instructor, giving him opportunity to coach and teach children of various ages.

Colin is passionate about supporting and enabling parents to care for their children. Colin lives in Perth, Western Australia with his lovely wife and two children. He loves wine, fishing, family holidays and cooking for friends and family. 

Find out more about Colin at:

http://www.SuperParents.com.au

**************************************** 

Kelly, thank you for that very generous introduction and including me as the first househusband to participate in your interview series.

What is your best FunDad tip?

A sound bit of advice, as we all know, is to start planning with the family in mind.

The adults (that’s fathers included) can’t have fun if the kids are feral. Stick with easy outdoor and simple at-home activities; there are many examples of such through blogs beafunmum.com is connected to. When you’re ready to stretch yourself, I’ve found the following tip to be the best FunDad approach to entertaining children:

Remember your own childhood and what you loved to do when you were a kid. Was it matchbox cars? Magic tricks? Art and craft kits? Science experiments? My kids and I have bonded over the silliest pranks taken straight from my youth. So think back and guide/play/nurture your children like a big brother. Share with them your own stories and cherished memories.

Did you work full-time before becoming the House-Husband?

I was employed as a Chief Information Officer for an ASX-listed insurance broker to expand operations into South East Asia. At a later stage, I was responsible for managing 13 staff and proprietary technology development back in their headquarters in Perth.

My playgroup mums however, love it – and punch the air – when I tell them of how much more difficult it was to look after a single toddler.

Why did you and your wife decide to role reverse?

I was made redundant from my job and then we discovered we were expecting my son William. It was with extreme trepidation I become his primary caregiver. It was way easier with Bethany [Colin’s second child]; I had returned to full time work when she born, but I was looking for any reason to quit so I could take care of my little girl.

How was the adjustment to domestic bliss?

Wife: How was your day, dear? What did you feed, William?

Me: Yeah, it’s okay. I defrosted a cube of pumpkin, spinach, and sweet potato. No, wait … was that yesterday?  Oh man, I forgot what I fed him.

It was difficult for about a year.

I thought I could continue building up my career whilst taking care of William; after all, he had two sleeps in one day – think of all the possibilities! How wrong I was. It took me a good long time to figure out William had to be at the top of my very short priority list. I would then plan the day with one major event (like going to the park) and one minor event (like hanging out the clothes).

Domestic bliss was made a little more challenging as I had embarked on a Masters course just as William was born. After tiring menial brain-dead days, you have to contemplate cracking open the books at 9pm. That SUX.

How do others react when you say, “I’m a House-Husband.”?

I got the most ribbing from friends who were business or industry associates. But the truth is, most have said they’d pay big bucks to trade places with me. It was a little more difficult dealing with my parents, but they seem impressed with my children and have since praised me for doing a good job as a parent. Phew. Major argument avoided on that one!

I think a great obstacle for all house husbands is their notion of self worth. Basically, what is the yardstick you have chosen to measure yourself with?

For many years I was a business executive, and naturally pegged my existence to notions of success from the corporate world. I think the role reversal has made me see the world more clearly, with greater humility and as Kelly said, has made me more ‘real’.

How do you feel attending Playgroup and the like, when predominantly women are present?

The first playgroup I attended was a tea and scones group with mostly chardonnay-sipping mothers. Don’t get me wrong, they were nice and some of them are my friends, but I’m not sure if I was more aware of being Asian or my being the lone father in that group.

The second playgroup was love at first sight for me. It was a Montessori playgroup, and I felt all of us were on a mission together. I blended in, felt right at home, and started calling myself an associate woman. To this day, I feel blessed with having an uncommon platonic bond with the small group of mums I keep in touch with.

Have your children embarrassed you?

Never.

What makes you proud?

Being an involved father has been the most rewarding and fulfilling role I’ve ever had in my life. When Bethany was born, I remember sitting in that office wondering what I was doing there – my daughter needed me! I remain most proud of this little family of ours and how tight we’ve become.

Do you get lonely?

No time to get lonely. Next.

Do you go and ‘have coffee’?

The truth is, I’ve got more girl friends from my time in the playgroup than guy friends; given that I’ve only been in Australian for 10+ years. So yes, I do hang out with some playgroup mums for coffee about once or twice a month.

Do you get the housework done?

For many years my wife and I did all the housework because we couldn’t find a domestic cleaner. We now employ a professional cleaning service once a week, but we still maintain day-to-day cleanliness. There’s also laundry and other various chores. To be fair, my wife organises the house but yes, I provide backup. I’ve not cooked very much recently – we have a home catering service, but I do cook frequently for large gatherings like Christmas or New Year.

What qualities can Dads bring to the role of primary parenting?

It takes a Dad who’s comfortable in his own skin to be a primary parent.

Kids benefit from seeing dads in an equal loving relationship with their partners. There have been many times when we fly as a family, and  I see mums on board trying to deal with a young child and then feed their babies, all whilst their husbands are kicking back reading the paper or watching videos. That isn’t right.

Kids also benefit seeing their dads stretch themselves as individuals. As an example, I often tell the kids how I was never allowed in the kitchen when I was growing up, and only learned how to cook in the few months before William was born – just by watching Huey’s Cooking Adventures! I want to be a model of how they should be – to show them their own dad is striving to become better and continuing to grow with life’s challenges.

And the food’s not bad too, hey? Eat up your veggies, kids.

What advice would you give women contemplating role reversal?

Women have a lot to offer companies and organisations. Many women however, can’t see past their insecurities of being off work for some time. Maturity sells itself! Don’t belittle motherhood or parenthood, you’ve got loads more to offer than someone wet-behind-the-ears.

Look out for your strengths, apply yourself and sell yourself objectively. Check out ‘Part-time Employment for Parents – Ace that Interview!’

What advice would you give other men contemplating role reversal?

Be brave, brother. Keep your wits about you; you’ll need them. And ignore the multi-tasking jibes.

Read more Be A Fun interviews here.

We have a joke in our family (many actually). Whenever the children have something yummy, like an ice-cream, they give a bite to Daddy as Daddy-Tax. The children roll their eyes and say, “DAAAAD!” before reluctantly giving it up – with a hint of a grin.

When it comes down to it, I think far too much and apply meaning to, well, everything.  This is a positive element to my personality; however, I’ve learnt that not EVERYTHING has to have deep significance. That’s part of the reason why Blu (hubby) is so perfect for me.  He takes things as they come and is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get person. (Also to mention the fact that he’s tall, dark and oh-so-handsome).

Now, on to the deep meaning I attach to Daddy-Tax (I still indulge; so sue me).  I appreciate and honour my husband for working hard to provide for our family so I can continue to work from home.  In turn, my husband respects what I do and the sacrifices I’ve made in my role as Mother.  Daddy-Tax has really nothing to do with this and everything to do with this. 

Daddy-Tax really is a joke but I like to take every opportunity to honour Blu in front of the children.  I say something like this: ”Daddy worked hard to pay for those treats you know.” 

I believe it’s important to create an environment of respect for your spouse and it has to be an intentional thing.  There are so many opportunities to do this very thing – there for the taking.

How do you create an environment of respect for your spouse?

I’m not into Valentine’s Day (a quality my husband really loves, hehe).  However, it’s prompted me to ask this questions: what is love? In my opinion, the media has done love no favours.  In fact, I would go as far to say the concept of love has been butchered.  The media often promotes the love ‘highs’ and the love ‘lows’ and the love ‘highs’ again.  It seems to be about what you can get out of love rather than what you can give.

Why, why, why is the divorce rate so high?  And this figure doesn’t include break downs in long standing relationships. Why, why, why is love so messy?  Shouldn’t it be a simple thing?  I know, I know, we don’t live in a simple or perfect world. And I don’t have any illusions how hard it can be to love.  That brings me to my story.

People look at me, at my children, and at my marriage, and think I have the perfect life.  My husband is successful, I have four beautiful children and an extended family who love me.  Indeed, I feel very blessed, but the journey hasn’t been all smooth sailing for me. Indeed, there have been times where I’ve just lay on the ground, unable to move, feeling the burden of despair.

Despair: loss of hope.  Often, when you get to the point of despair, things become clear because everything is taken away; bones stripped bare. In my second year of marriage, after our first child was born, my husband suffered a total break down.  I was in a new city, with a new baby, knew no one and my other half stopped functioning – literally.  It’s hard to see someone you love reduced to a shell; so very hard.  The breakdown was followed by 6 years of major depression.

I was raised to just-get-on-with-it, so, at first, I just couldn’t get my head around the situation.  Overtime, I have truly come to appreciate the affects of mental illness. For years, I was flying solo, trying to look after the children the best I could with nothing in the tank and this is when I discovered something truly wonderful.

God taught me something truly wonderful.  I had the opportunity to learn what real love is all about. It’s not about romance or sex; it’s not about roses or chocolate (but they certainly help, especially chocolate); it’s not about feeling emotional or being fulfilled; it’s about giving when you get nothing back.  Yep, that’s what real love is about, loving unconditionally. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

This truth is sometimes hard to comprehend. Isn’t love all about the beautiful feeling of connection with another person?  I agree, emotions and attraction have a huge part to play in love; however, you can’t base love on feelings.  Feelings are so transient and changeable.  Love is a choice.

This love is powerful; it never fails. I’m happy to say that my husband is well and our marriage is stronger than ever.  We feel more ‘in love’ than ever too. I can say that I’m grateful for the hard times because I’ve had the opportunity to learn real love.  When I talk to any couple who obviously have a strong relationship, I discover they’ve ALL gone through a crisis of some type.  It’s the hard times that make us stronger.

Don’t be fooled by what the media says, that you need to pursue your own needs and that it’s all about your own fulfillment; how terribly boring.  That sort of love doesn’t last. The love that gives lasts forever, like the love gifted to Mothers. What is love? Love is unconditional and free but it costs you everything.

Note:  I ackowledge there are some situations where there is no solution to a relationship.  I would hate to seem preachy.  I’m just telling of my story and of the love I’ve found. Be encouraged.

Further Reading

Read my Love Story

I love SquiggleMums recent post, Marriage First

The ultimate guide to real love: 1 Corinthians 13 

Why hard times make you strong: James 1:2-4