You’re not quite reaching the mark Kelly

I forgot about the pressures that come with having the children back in school.  Especially as all my children (including my baby) started at a new school this year. There’s all sorts of expectations and pressures: making sure everyone is wearing the right thing on the right day, hair done with ribbons, notes to read, healthy lunches, homework, library and sport days, making sure everyone is doing okay, interactions with teachers and juggling extracurricular activities. Franky, it’s stressful right now: I’m rather cranky and short with the kids.

It’s all normal stuff really, but sometimes this feeling creeps in, and it’s an unspoken voice saying, “You’re not doing enough; being enough. You’re not quite reaching the mark Kelly.”   Because I can’t reach the invisible line I can see, even if I stand on my toes.

I recognise this voice, and I’m reminded to come back to what is real in my family, what is true, as a way to rally myself against the relentless tide of shoulds and musts.  There are a few ways I do that.

1. Remember to give it time

I wrote a post last year, almost a year to date, about having no time to be fun with my kids.  And, then about a year before that, I wrote this post: When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough. I’m not scared of hard work and I probably have pretty high expectations of myself and those around me, so sometimes I fall into the trap of trying to fix things too quickly without allowing for adjustment time. I just want things to be right…right now! So it was good for me to reread my post from a year ago, and the year after that, to help me see this is a pretty normal feeling for me at the start of a school year…so be a little more gracious as we all get used to this, Kelly.

2. Talk about it

My mother raised me to talk: to be open; to sort things out; to confront when needed; to communicate.  One of the ways I keep myself grounded amongst the noise of modern life is to talk with people I trust. Talk about how I feel, ideas on how to adjust and juggle.  It’s interesting, but I talk to help me sort things out in my own head rather than for advice.  Which reminds me that listening without judgement is often all we need to do for each other.

3. Tweak, Change or Stop

Even in these early days, I recognise that some things aren’t working well and so I’m the in process of tweaking a little so the routine runs smoother.  For example, having things organised for the children to do homework while we wait for piano lessons, and having dinner sorted on that day.  I may have to drop some activities out of the week, and I’m open to that.  If we don’t have enough time to regroup and play, time for relaxed conversations and rest, at least a few afternoons every week, we are doing too much.  I’m still working on this and will continue to do so until I get it right…well at least more right than it is now.

4. Think of Good Things

I’m overwhelmed right now, and when I’m like this, it can be easy to look at everything around me with clouded glasses.  I took a moment to think of good things that have happened over the last couple of weeks.

Insight

Mr 5 and Miss 7 were playing with Lego men.  They asked me if they could take them in the car to continue their game, and I said yes.  We went out to do some errands and I didn’t realise at the time, the children brought the Lego with them (usually I ask them to leave it in the car).  As we were walking back to the car after the jobs were done, my son said to me,

“Mum, Gem lost the hat to my Lego man.  But Mum, I’m not blaming her, because I shouldn’t have taken them out of the car so I’ll take responsibility for that.”

I almost laughed because such a big concept coming from such a little boy sounds comical.

That’s amazing, I thought.

Affection

My heart sings when I see my children kiss and cuddle each other goodbye at school.  In the first week of school, my eldest daughter (11) told me she went past the Prep building and kissed her brother through the fence bars. She was with her friends at the time, and it makes me glad to see her so unaffected.

That’s wonderful, I thought.

Strength

Miss 9 put her arm on mine one afternoon.

“Mum, something is bothering me and I want to talk to you about it.”

“Sure, what is it?” I said.

“Well, you know when you do things sometimes, things maybe you shouldn’t, to fit in?”

“Yes, I can understand that.”

“Well, today I turned all the bubblers on at the same time and was playing with the lights in the toilets.”

Ha! I could think of worse things, but I wanted to see what she said about it.

She continued, “I sort of feel bad about it because it’s not good for the environment and just not the best thing to do.”

This girl of mine is the one who will pick up rubbish from the ground, fish out bags from lakes and study birds.  Caring for the environment is important to her (as I hope it is with everyone in our family but I notice it especially with her).

I really didn’t need to say anything!

“I decided that tomorrow, I will stand up for myself and not to do things just because others are or to fit in,” she finished.

Good for you, little one.  Don’t tell people what you think they should do, but always let your behaviour speak of what you believe is right.

That’s encouraging, I thought.

Love

Rain! So much rain has fallen in Brisbane this week, and on this particular wet day, I decided to rock up to school in my polka-dot gumboots, joking on my facebook page that my children may disown me.  I knew I didn’t have to worry.

Mr 5 was thrilled and I bought his gumboots with me too. Miss 9 saw me next, and gave me a total of 10 kisses, on alternate cheeks. Miss 7 didn’t even notice. And on the car home I asked Miss 12 if I embarrassed her with my gumboot wearing. She said immediately, “Nope. I love your gumboots.”

Yep. That’s my kids, I thought.

polka dot gumboots

I must allow these rays of sunshine speak louder than the unspoken words in my head. Because what comes from within the family unit is truer than the voices pressing down from outside. And that’s the difference.

Comments

  1. says

    This is my Term 1, Week 4 sense of being overwhelmed! I hear you Kelly :)
    Everything is beginning again, and in full swing, even for those of my little tribe that aren’t in formal schooling as yet. Things have been let slide, the washing is piling up, dinners seem to be on the uncreative and dare I say it, boring side… You know, just the usual thrown out of routine casualties in our house!
    But it will get better, a new routine is forming, the kids are settling back into their non-holiday lives.
    Everything will even out I choose to believe…Maybe by week 5??!! :)
    xo

  2. says

    I love your gumboots too!

    You know you’re doing something right when they take responsibility for their own actions (something many adults have trouble doing these days, so it would seem!) so give yourself a big pat on the back and try not to feel like you have to do more or be more. Sounds like you’re already doing a fantastic job bringing up a bunch of lovely little Aussies.

  3. Kristie says

    Love the gumboots.

    My kids aren’t even at school yet and this week I too have been completely overwhelmed. I recognise that last year I felt overwhelmed repeatedly until about mid year, and I was worried this year would be the same as I felt there was nothing I could do about it…but you reminded me there is. It’s up to me to change the tone of my house, my outlook, and the things that I love, to pay more attention, and not sweat the little things. My day is looking up already. Thankyou beautiful Kelly.

  4. Kat says

    Nodding here in Hobart with all you have said.
    Week three of term 1 here and I am adjusting to the new, with all four at school some days and my baby girl home with me on the other days.
    Adjusting to being back into routine, lunchboxes, masses of school notes, homework, after school activities and to having time to myself, where I often don’t feel productive enough, or I am missing my baby girl and those laid back years of babies and toddlers at home. (ha, it probably wasn’t that laid back, but I am choosing to remember the lovely bits with my rose coloured glasses on.)
    Just know that you are so not alone right now and that with time we will all ajust (and maybe I will stop feeling so sad when my baby goes off to school five days a fortnight) and this will become the new norm.
    Be kind to yourself….I think we all need to do that right now and thank you so much for posting this and being so real, I love it!!!

  5. says

    This post came at just the right time for me. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I had a cold sore appear on my lip – I was totally confused as to why it has happened, I did not feel stressed at all. Then, last night, I just started crying and crying and I realised that the stresses of the last few weeks of settling back into school had crept up behind me without me even noticing it and hit me big time. You’ve helped me put it all back into perspective and realise what I need to do. Thanks.

  6. says

    I only have one child at school so I’m lucky that I don’t feel too overwhelmed at the moment. I’m sure I will when the twins go and I’m working back full time. It’s going to be super crazy!

    So, love they way you centred yourself and stop those negative thoughts in your head. You’re so inspirational Kell!

  7. Liz says

    Thanks for your honesty and insight Kelly. Its great to know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed at the beginning of term. And I so relate to wanting everything to be ticking over perfectly NOW!

  8. says

    This sunshine is the difference. You are amazing Kelly and I love how real you are. I want my own children to look back one day when grown and not see a perfect mum but see one who stood for giving her best dotted with those failures and mistakes because that is human and I want them to understand we are all human as mums. I want them to know they were loved and to always feel special and that is what is important. I want them to be free to have their own down days when they happen and not have to try and keep up with an unrealistic expectation of always having it together. I want them to give of them self, give of who they are – their heart. xxx

  9. Michelle says

    Thanks for all your posts, lately we have been struggling with our 3 and number 4 is on the way which makes it that little bit harder with being so tired. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that its worth it and to do what you know is right, even if its hard and not everyone agrees with you.

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