Feeling Fat and Ugly

November 9, 2010

I’m feeling fat and ugly.  You know when you lose the desire to dress nicely or even brush your hair? That’s me right now. I’ve lost the plot.  Throughout my pregnancies, I worked hard to keep fit and healthy — and I did it!  However, in the past couple of years, I’ve piled on the kilos.  I’m heavier now than I was full term with my babies!  Now there are many reasons for this:

  • I’ve been on medication which has contributed to my weight gain.
  • I find it really hard to find time to exercise.
  • Constant moving has made it difficult to find routine.
  • My Mum died and in the aftermath of grief I forgot how to breathe properly.

I can go on and on about why, but does that change anything?  No.  Something has to change. And that something is me.  I could wait until I find time to exercise (good luck with that).  I could wait until our family stops being nomads (that will be at least another 4 years).  I can’t bring my Mum back. No.  I have to stop waiting for external somethings to change.  The something that has to change is me and I know it.

There’s about 15-20 kg between these pictures.

The reality is I love exercise and healthy food, so why is it so hard?  It’s so hard because I’ve stopped being conscious about my health.  Managing health has to be an active thing.  It’s not good enough to like healthy food and enjoy a good run around, it has to be converted into action.

So what am I going to do about it?

(deep breath)

My goals:

  • Make small, sustainable changes.
  • Walk 2 times a week (for a start)
  • Put more effort into the food I cook.
  • Be accountable to my husband, who, by the way, tells me I look beautiful almost every day.
  • Read the fantastic tips on my facebook page.  You can read them here: Weight Loss Tips

I have no interest in being celebrity thin.  No thanks. It’s more about changing my attitude towards health. It’s about doing the best with what I’ve got. And you know what? It’s only day two of the change and I feel better already.  Not because my weight has changed but because I have hope. And that’s a powerful thing.

Who is with me?

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{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }

RobynNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Working on getting healthy sounds good Kelly, although I feel sad that you’re feeling bad about yourself. You look beautiful to me, you’re such a photogenic person…there is a radiance in your photos :)

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Robyn, I just read your comment and started crying. Not sure why — but thank you. xx

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RobynNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 7:09 am

@Kelly Be A Fun Mum,
(((HUGS))) Miss you!

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KatyNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Kelly,
Feel so the same atm, have also this week stared eating better and walking.
Hope you are feeling better
Katy x

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Thank you lovely Katy

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SarahNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Pretty sure you tapped into my mind to write that one! Two months ago I hit the same reality although I have double the damage to undo :( and no good excuses for why I let it spiral out of control.

I have found the time to exercise and I am making changes in my diet… I have lost 20cm from my waist alone…

You have a friend on the journey :)

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Well done Sarah! I’m so proud of you! I’m so glad you are with me on this.

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Carolyne ThorntonNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Hi Kelly, I was feeling like that too, after a year of study I had also put on weight and couldn’t fit into anything. I have found a fantastic, and FREE site to help you lost weight. I did it a couple of years ago so know it works. It is http://www.calorieking.com.au and not only does it motivate me to lose weight, it provides excellent nutritional information, and a way to analyse and understand how your diet is affecting your health and ability to maintain the weight you want. I highly recommend it. I just want to be comfortable in my clothes and feel healthy and good about myself. I have already lost 3.5kg in a month and feel great. I don’t eat ‘diet’ foods and don’t touch anything with artificial sweeteners, you don’t need to with this way of changing the way you eat. Give it a try! Carolyne

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Thank you Carolyne! That link looks very helpful. I’m with you on not eating ‘diet’ foods. I’m not really much on that. I know for my body, if I eat a high fibre, low fat diet, it works. I just need to stick to it!

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DeniseNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Hello Kelly :)

we ALL go through times times like this. I have only had one ‘baby’ who is nearly 19 and between then and now I’m10 kgs heavier. Funny isn’t it, some days we think we don’t look bad at all, then others… well.. feels like there’s no-one ANYWHERE fatter!

Just remember, it’s all ‘normal’… all your thoughts and feelings are very normal..
Good luck with your health kick! I’m sure a Coffee On Line coffee is still okay to consume :)

DG

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Denise, what a lovely comment. Thank you for taking the time… it means a lot. And it’s nice to know I’m not alone. And definately COL is still on the menu… skinny. :D

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Mel PeacockNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Oh Kelly, I agree with Robyn. If it wasn’t for you and
your blog I don’t know what I’d do. You are my inspiration
and my rock. You make me choose to do more with my children
and to be a better person. I often look at how my body was
before my four children and I could cry, but I’m so grateful that
I have my body because it’s brought them into this world. Be positive Kelly
and don’t ever change who you are.

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Mel, you just made me ball my head off. But in a good way. Thank you! Thank you! It feels good to cry.

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LeanneNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Kelly,
First off – good on you for your honesty to all of us here. This is such a cycle with women. I APPLAUD you for choosing to change it into a lifestyle. This is key for your subconcious and as well for the language you are using in your home, I personally think your photos are stunning – each of them,
YOu can do what it is that you want with your body – you can do it!! After all – it is up to you how you feel.
Let me say – YOU ARE NOT ALONE GIRLFRIEND!! Man – I read your “excuses” and it was if I worte them on your blog myself. There will always be something else for mom to take care of, do, finish, start etc etc. It also has to do with you being so passionate about many things that take up your time as well…… so hard to find balance and take care of ourselves. I have come to terms that there truthfully is no balance for a mom, nope.

So……with that – just commit to your goals as you have written and make your health and fitness a priority – i think this is the only way it works – when we finally decide – WE ARE WORTH IT AND OTHER THINGS CAN WAIT. :)
HUGS AND LOVE

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Leanne, you really are very inspirational. You really need to write a book. Oh, you’ve already done that :D And you’ve captured everything so beautifully and in a balanced way. Thank you for putting it all down so beautifullyl. xx

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joNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:39 pm

omg kel- so so so feel the same

xoxo maybe we can start group that sms each other. i am really tryng to get motivation togo walking every day at 6am

bluerghhhhhhhh

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:28 pm

Thanks Jo — good idea. What I’m going to do is write on my facebook page the inspirations I’m working through each day (which transfer to twitter too). We’ll encourage eachother.

Walking at 6am. Eeeeek! Good job hun.

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joNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:31 pm

@Kelly Be A Fun Mum, It’s is so so so hard kel, But want to be the best for my kids
P.S i pray for you every time i make coconut cake!!

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Yes, me too! And I hope you make a lot of coconut cake! Thank you so much Jo! You made my day! God Bless xx

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NicoleNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Good luck. Small goals are best. Aim for 5 kg then celebrate in a healthy way. At 20kg I got a canoe. I took winter off and am going for the next 20kg giving myself the chrismas week off to enjoy guilt free. Factor in s treat meal twice a week and a chocolate frog once a day. You will be amazed at how little treats stop the binging.

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Nicole, 20ks! That’s amazing!! And yes, I’ll have little treats when I need them but I just don’t feel like them atm. YAY!

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Stacey KNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 2:27 pm

I too am right there! I’ve got a list of “I should…”‘s as long as my arm but have decided the ones that are really important I am changing….
I should eat foods that are better for me & my milk supply – IF I REALLY WANTED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF I WOULD EAT FOODS THAT ARE BETTER FOR ME & MY MILK SUPPLY!
I should walk to school for the exersize – IF I REALLY WANTED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF I WOULD WALK TO SCHOOL FOR THE EXERSIZE!
I could go on…..

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:32 pm

It’s amazing how a change in mindset changes so much ay. I totally get what you are saying.

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AmandaNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Having been on the up and down weight journey from:
-hormone imbalances (excess estrogen from taking the Pill)
- Grief
- enjoying food! And eating lots of homemade bread…
I know that weight is not just a matter of calories in/calories out. You can only force yourself to eat a certain way until you crack. If there are unresolved emotional issues, like maybe grief/fear/loss with your mum Kells, that can keep weight on. From what I’ve read with Jon Gabriel (check out the Gabriel Method online – not a scam!) and in seeing a friend go from skinny to rotund over a few weeks, it can be from those moments onwards that the weight comes.

Until the underlying emotion is dealt with – say using EFT (www.emofree.com) or Theophostic prayer/God healing, or similar subconscious-reaching healing modality – one can just be caught on the never ending cycle of dieting, which often results in weight gain.

In regards to hormonal issues, it took two years off the pill for my emotions and fat to return to normal-ish but I’m continuing to fix it with healing my liver and adrenals (learning relaxation techniques, exercising, healing with foods – incl. raw foods) I’m also researching maca powder at the moment too.

In relation to over eating, I’m now aware that concentrated carbs and sugars only make me want to eat more and WILL NOT SATISFY ME! (Darn!!) Good quality fat sustains me longer and doesn’t raise my blood sugar and therefore insulin which stops the body from burning fat. I now put butter on steamed veges, and eat homegrown eggs and 100% grassfed meat and sausages (no preservatives or additives) from the markets.

I make a huge vege only salad for lunch with little bits of yum in the form of avocados, special tomatoes, raw corn, raw snow peas, herbs from my garden and a homemade dressing. Dinner is meat and veges only – no high GI (glycemic index) foods. Thinks indian or asian curries, roasts, stirfrys, spaghetti bolognaise where hubby gets the spagetti and i’ll put veges with my bolognaise! : )

Love A*

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:36 pm

Amanda, thank you for taking the time to give me such wonderful tips. It’s a wonderful help. And I think you are right about the emotional stuff. You see, I’ve never had to worry about my weight at all. Even throughout my pregnancies, I barely put on an extra 2 kgs. Things have changed a lot over the last 3 or so years and I have just found I have found it much more difficult. And not food but feeling well… you know. So I’ll follow the links and have a good read. xx

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AnnetteNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 3:20 pm

I’m so surprised you think you are fat and ugly. I think you look fantastic and you look so great in your photos! Great you have made a lifestyle choice to exercise and eat healthily.

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Thank you Annette. That’s sweet.

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Stacey KNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 3:23 pm

so after typing my reply above I got the pram out & took my screaming toddler & grizzly baby for a walk to school & we all came home smiling! (except for the little fly that copped it for trying to get up my nose all the way home!)

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Stacey! That gives me so much inspiration! Thank you! You go girl!

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TrishNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 5:47 pm

HI Kelly
Firstly I just want to tell u …u look gorgeous…in fact u always look gorgeous and always have…I think it is so wonderful that your hubby tells u every day how beautiful u r…and he is so right!!!!!!!!!! Beauty is so much more than just the outside – it’s what’s inside too (though u r lucky to have both outer and inner beauty)…

I think it is shocking how much pressure society puts on us women to be beautiful…

As u know or may have noticed by my pics I am obese…over the years i have gone up and down but mainly UP UP UP…and I hate to sound self obsessed but their have even been times I didn’t want to go out or be around ppl as I was soooo embarrased by my huge size…especially when i was followed by comments near constantly about my obese size…(I am sure the ppl meant well but I assume they have never had a ‘fat’ day in their lives…)

As u know I work in a school and i get comments almost daily from innocent children about my very large size…now I just tell them when they ask me why i am so huge…well God made us all differently!

I know myself- I have over the years gone on diets then got sick of it then ballooned up again and put on more and this cycle has continued…i have a few friends that have got back on the bandwagon of eating right and excercising and the main thing i think is just that – Keep moving as much as u can (so what i need to do), lower your carbs not out totally but when i went to the dietician last year she told me half a cup of rice or one small potato not a large serve as i would usually have…I am really addicted to sugar at the moment and i am horrified with myself…sugar is really an evil all of it’s own i think…so cut down on the sugar too…have u ever read the cookbooks – Symply too good to be true? they r excellent (I should use mine more too)…

Anyway I am rambling but I do wish u well on your quest…in my eyes u don’t need to be so hard on yourself but I do understand the pressure comes a lot from other people…Hugs to u and please keep us up to date on how u r going and if u need support….Have a great day Kelly….Trish

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Trish. I love the comment you make to the kids. If only we could all follow your example and respond like that! I know, for myself, this is more about a lifestyle choice more than “trying to be beautiful”. I think women can be technically overweight and still be healthy. It really depends of lifestyle ay. But it is a struggle and I totally appreciate what you’ve said.

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amandabNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Know how you are feeling, although my reasons for how I got here are completely different. I started about 6 weeks ago, but lost my way last week, so am almost starting fresh this week. I even started a new blog to keep myself accountable, but obviously it didn’t help last week.

I’ve set myself some targets, and the first one is less than 2 weeks away and I still have 2.3kg to go to make it *eeek* . My biggest target is for the conference next year, although I will still need to lose more to reach my healthy weight range.

It sounds like you have some good goals in place. I know it’s hard, but I am sure you can do it (and there are plenty of us out there to give you a boost when you need it :) )

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Isn’t it wonderful that we can always start again. Never give up on starting again. Thanks for the encouragement. Can’t wait to meet you at the conference.

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BookChookNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I’m with you!

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:47 pm

<3

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KatherineNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 6:42 pm

Thought of yoga? With the stress and time flying recently, i picked it up once a week for an hour and i sleep so much better each time.

Anyway, anything will do :) And you are absolutely gorgeous outside and inside. I’ve never ‘met’ anyone like you!

Happy days and sunshine,

K xx

PS – I’m in the middle of writing the post for your blog, should get it to you in the next couple of days.. :)

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:49 pm

Can’t wait to see it! Thank you! My Wii Fit has some Yoga poses. *whispering* I’m actually pretty good at it. lol

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ickle KidsNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Kel – I’M WITH YOU!! Yes sir-ree … I’ve hibernated over the winter and it’s time for me to get out and about enjoying the sunshine.

It’s definitely harder now with the craziness of kids timetables, work etc to get into some sort of exercise routine. I’ve found that the only time I get to exercise is to get up at 5.50am to get to the gym for 6.15am (eeek!).

Kel – you’re a gorgeous girl – inside and out and that’s how people see you. You’ve got a smart hubby! Smile babe, you’re taking the right steps to turning how you feel around. Good on you!

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:51 pm

Yeah, morning are good hey… but my husband leave so early it doesn’t really work for me.

And thank you for your sweet encouragement. Made me smile.

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LucyNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 8:31 pm

Kelly, for starters, thank you for letting me know you had posted this.

I have been well and truly bogged down today and YOU have lifted my spirits entirely.

You are an utter goddess, you know that?

Your plan is perfect.

And just starting will make you feel like the world is brimmimg with oysters.

xx

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:52 pm

I thought of you, and your strength and determination when I wrote this. Thank you lovely Lucy.

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JanetNo Gravatar November 9, 2010 at 10:41 pm

I think you look beautiful at any weight Kel :-)

But I do sympathise. I also am heavier now than I was with either of my pregnancies! Dratted middle age spread!

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:53 pm

Yep, it’s a little depressing when I think: I’m like carrying around a baby! And I’m not even pregnant.

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BecNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 9:31 am

I’m with you Kel. I’ve spent the last 2 years making excuses and the weight has just kept piling on…the only thing I’ve lost is my self-worth.
I’m so tired of feeling this way, but I’m the only one who can make the changes.
I have two main ‘issues’ stopping me: 1. How can I find the time to exercise between being a mum, keeping house & full-time study? 2. How can I afford to buy a weeks worth of healthy foods on my husbands wage (when we can’t even cover the bills)?
Any suggestions?

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:57 pm

I so hear you Bec. Why does eating healthy have to be so flippin’ expensive! I buy fruit and vege boxes and that does seem more expensive. And re time. Yep, get that too. Not sure what to say there but I’m just doing the best I can to incorporate it around everyone… but it’s really hard. Really hard. But then I remember this is only a season so I just have to do the best I can at the moment and that will have to be enough….

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AliciaNo Gravatar December 20, 2013 at 12:40 pm

I never get much exercise done unless I involve the whole household. Even if it’s just a time trial, and they are just counting how many squats or push ups or sit ups I can do in a minute. But it’s even more fun if they do them too! That’s just what I like to do though. It’s not advice. Everyone has to find their own way of doing things; and follow their own bliss.

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MichelleNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 1:03 pm

You are so beautiful!
I hope you find the lifestyle to work for you.
I chose a year back to focus on writing and eat better – today I’m the same size (meaning that I haven’t gained any weight from not exercising) and even though I’m not as fit as I was – I am doing what I love to do – write.
You have such a busy life – make sure you keep balanced and don’t be too hard on yourself – because you are already a princess to the King

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Good compromise Michelle. And, daughter of the King! Yes! Indeed!

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EllaNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Hi Kelly, im with you on this one! Im feeling the same at the moment. I read this last night before i went to bed but was too tired to respond. I felt sad when i read it as you always look utterly gorgeous! I guess we all go through times when we don’t like the way we look etc. I bounced back into shape after my first baby but after number 2 (3 yrs ago) my body changed and it just doesnt look the same. Ive always got a bit of a tummy now and im really conscious about it. At my sons third birthday i dressed up and felt great! A few of the other mums commented on how nice i looked etc. I was talking to a ‘friend’ of mine – our kids go to playgroup together – we were happily chatting when she asked me if i was pregnant again. I was shocked to say the least! She apologised but i went from feeling great to feeling pretty flat. Its not a question id ask anyone. Im about 10kg over weight and need to do something about it. Id be happy to lose about 6-7kg. Im also on medication which has attributed to my weight gain. Anyway sorry to prattle on about me! Good on you for making changes – i know personally how hard that is. I think small changes are the way to go – walking twice a week etc. Thanks for the inspiration xxx

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 7:03 pm

I love to hear about you! It makes me feel like I’m not the only one. Prattle away — anytime. Yeah, I found medication made a huge impact on my weight. I’m now off it (after a year) so I’m hoping that will help too.

You must have felt terrible! Talking about a balloon popping comment. Goodness — poor you! I’m with you: I would never make a comment like that!

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SusanNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 7:16 pm

I’m right there with you Kelly. And once again you have articulated what others feel but don’t have the words for.
Fantastic inspiration! Thank you x
I lost 14 kg’s about 2 years ago, and have put about 9 kgs back on.
But yesterday I started better habits, so your post is timely.
Good luck, you can do it.
And your husband is right, you are beautiful.

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Kelly Be A Fun MumNo Gravatar November 10, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Thank you lovely Susan! Go you! I know you can do it! Thank you for the encouragement. I can’t tell you how much it means.

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AliciaNo Gravatar December 20, 2013 at 12:16 pm

The key is self-care. You said it perfectly “My Mum died and in the aftermath of grief I forgot to breathe, let alone look after myself”. We have to look after ourselves. Our bodies have good alarm systems to let us know when we aren’t. I know I had to start taking iron suplements, and standing up more at work, lately because I was getting very tired by 2pm every day. It’s hard when society encourages us to rush around, be busy, and ignore our body’s cues.

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