My daughter is nine. For her birthday, I reluctantly purchased a Nintendo DS Lite. Our pediatrician suggested one could be a useful tool, in regulated doses, to assist with concentration and anxiety (my daughter has some special needs). I wouldn’t call myself anti video games; like most things, they can be a useful tool or a destructive object, depending on how it’s used (for example, television and food can be easily misused too). That said, I’m not a fan of video games. One of the main reasons for this is I was never into them — even as a child. To me, there always seemed to be so many other fun and creative things to do. Never-less, I’m not one to rule something out just because I don’t like it so I took a shaky step in bringing a video game into the house. {Now I really AM sounding pathetic, I know.} Moving along…
My daughter and I had a chat about setting limits on her Nintendo DS use and I left it with her, thinking to myself, that I would re-address the issue again soon. This day, I went to straighten her room and stuck on her wall was this note.
I was astonished. And I was proud. Without prompting, she drew up clear and realistic limits on her Nintendo DS use. This shows me that she is learning to self-regulate herself which is a huge achievement. I believe it’s crucial as a parent, to slowly make the transition from soley making decisions for the child to gradually handing the reigns over until the child reaches adulthood and pray they will make the right choices. It’s a scary thing. This is how I see the timeline work.
* I believe allowing your child to have a voice is a key element in this process
While it’s exciting to watch my daughter mature, it’s also a frightening thing for me: to let go of the reigns. Personally, I would like to keep a tight hold until, well, she is at least — 30. That’s reasonable, right? However, parents don’t own their children; parents are blessed with their children, on loan — for a little while.
Happy Birthday my beautiful, precious girl. I’m proud of you.
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I can understand your pride! It really is such a milestone when kids start to self-regulate. You’re spot on about us only having our kids on loan too, although I can certainly understand your joke about 30!
My favourite quote about this is from poet, Kahlil Gibran. He said,
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth…”
That is so beautiful Susan. Thank you for sharing.
@BookChook,
“You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,”
Beautiful. I have a free tool that may help you. If you want to try it, give me a holler at dr.martinfletcher@gmail.com . We have some solid research, theoretical framework, and plenty of user data to support it as a learning tool. I really like what you did here with your daughter. It seems so respectful of her.
Great blog post! We got our youngest son a video game as well after a recommendation from his doctor (he has ADHD) and when they are little its good to pop an oven timer on and they know when it rings..its time to finish. We have a ‘family’ game thing now..the Wii and its a huge hit here. The girls are allowed to play it for an hour a day when they use it to do their fitness section..and they teach me to use it (I suck at it as I also am not a video game/this sort of thing fan or player except now for the wii fit). They go over their fitness information, track their fitness level and love to see who is better at what area (yoga, balance etc). They also have some games for it and I am surprised to see how fast they get at doing well on them and really concentrating while they are playing. They dont play very often but I dont mind them doing their fitness thing each day as they are also now getting interested in what foods are good for them and cooking family meals as well..so I have upgraded my stance on these things from not liking them at all to a grudging acknowledgement that they can be a useful learning tool, like the computer.
Great idea about the timer Amanda. Anything that gets the kids active is a great thing hey!
Your message here
Hi Kelly!
That certainly is a milestone worth cheering about and sharing with the bloggy world!
I love that you included your daughter’s actual note too!
Thanks Meegan xx
How exciting to have your daughter do that on her own! And it sounds like they are quite realistic limits, which is even better.
My 4 year old is currently allowed an hour of screen time a day, that will actually decrease next year when she starts full time school. But I think that will happen naturally – if she’s stuck in a classroom all day she won’t want to sit inside at home.
I think your view is very sensible – there are no good or bad tools, just good or bad ways of using them.
It was exciting! Thanks for sharing in my excitment Deb. I’ve found, with my school children, they watch very little television. The other day my 6 year old said, “Mum I don’t want to watch television — it’s boring.” Music to my ears
I love this post Kelly – especially the time-line. Totally agree re: computer being a useful tool when used with appropriate boundaries. I think this will be hard for me too when my children are older. I’m not a fan of video games either. When we were growing up (mostly in high school), my brother spent WAY too much time on them. I’ve tried to keep myself away from such things as I know I have a bit of an addictive personality at times!
It’s great when you know what you are like, so you can be careful about falling into traps. That’s something I’m trying to teach my children too. I loved doing the time line. It made me cry.
oh wow! how wonderful. Love hearing about your journey
Thank you friend
That’s amazing! It shows what a wonderful guiding mum you are. I love the timeline too. I’d also love to be able to protect Will till he’s 30!
Happy Birthday to your beautiful girl!
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks 30 is a magic number lol. Thank Ash: I try to be a guiding Mum; it’s hard.
It really is so hard to let go as your children grow up. No one ever tells you this stuff – (another for the ‘no one tells you this stuff’ book lol).
I always feel pulled to keeping my babies just as they are verses wanting to see them become independent and take big growing steps.
No One Tells You This Stuff Book. Let me know when it’s out lol. So true. It’s hard. Of course we want them to mature and grow but sometimes, it’s hard to watch. *sob* *sob*
Yes… this has been a toughie for me… But we’ve finally come to a compromise and perhaps your pediatrician is right in that it can help with concentration.
I hope so… we’ve promised to let our 9 year old have one end of the year if she’s made progress with her school stuff.
It’s taken me 9 years for a compromise. It’s a gradual process of acceptance. For me, the DS hasn’t been a negative thing — so far.
Great time line Kelly. I find the challenge for my 11.5 year old is not so much setting what the boundaries should be, but actually sticking to them! It is always a work in progress in our house
.
Yes, I agree PQ. I guess time will tell how we go with that one. Maybe another post lol
This is an incredible post!! I agree that allowing your child to be involved and have a voice is e most essential element in this process of her learning and development. You are a wonderful mum!
Thank you Izzy, for your lovely comment. It’s nice to see other Mums striving to find the balance too.
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