I have three sisters. They are my best friends. Everywhere we go, people comment on our relationship and want to be part of it. We’ve ‘adopted’ many sisters along the way. This sort of relationship doesn’t just happen by chance, it take a lot of work (mostly by our Mother).
Our mother died (just six month after the above picture was taken). She was only 51. Four girls were left alone. You know, a mother is the heart of a home and draws everyone together. When this tie was severed, the four sad girls had to make a choice. We knew the risks or drifting apart and of losing the very thing our mother worked so hard for. So, we chose to work hard to be close, to work things out, to be friends for life.
Now I’m the mother and I want this same relationship for my children. So how do you encourage a friends-for-life relationship in your children? This is what I’ve come up with this:
- Don’t hope your toddler will love the new baby. Expect it.
- Don’t hope your children will get on. Expect it.
- Don’t hope your children will stand up for each other. Expect it.
- Don’t hope your children will understand each other. Expect it.
- Don’t hope your children will be affectionate. Expect it.
- Don’t hope your children will be friends for life. Expect it.
(While I’ve written this list in third person, I’m really writing it to myself. This is my list.)
The thing is, if you expect something, it becomes a goal to be achieved, not a vague idea of how you want things to be. Now the hard work begins. Because I expect these qualities from my children, I work towards them.
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Expect your toddler to love the new baby. When I gave birth to my second child, it didn’t even occur to me there would be an issue with my eldest. In this way, I was unaware this problem could even exist (of jealousy). This helped create a positive view of the new person in our family. This new life was a cause of celebration for all of us, including the big sister. (This followed through with my subsequent children).
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Expect your children to get on. That doesn’t mean they always do. My children fight like any other siblings. However, I expect them to work it out. A great way to dispand tension is to get siblings to give each other a kiss. My parents did this with my sisters and I; we couldn’t help but laugh. It was a great ice-breaker.
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Expect your children to stand up for each other. This is a big one for me. I believe you should be able to turn to your family for support and know they will stand up for you. Teasing is a big thing, especially with girls. I expect my children to stand up for each other when it comes to friends. Friends come and go but siblings are friends to the end.
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Expect your children to understand each other. This has to be taught. I help my children understand each other, their personalities, so they can love each other. This has been particularly helpful with my special needs children.
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Expect affection. I come from a demonstrative family. I kiss my sisters every time I see them. I kiss my brother-in-laws and sister-in-laws. I kiss my Aunties and Uncles. I kiss my cousins. I kiss my grandparents. I kiss my nephews and nieces. I kiss my friends (okay, not all of them, so don’t be scared). I know it doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people but I believe it’s important to be physically affectionate.
- Expect your children will be friends for life. You will be giving them a most precious gift.
In my experience, there needs to be a lot of verbal communication for this process to work. And a lot of love. And a foundation of discipline (read my post here). I’m still working on it. I believe it’s worth it.
How do you approach the sibling relationship?
My girls. Making friends for life.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
beautiful kell. love you xx
Love you too beautiful.
Gorgeous, you make me wish I had sisters!
Thanks Fiona. My sisters are special.
What an encouraging post. My children get on very well at the moment, but are only 9 months and not quite 2. We are working hard on getting our eldest to be the “big sister”, teaching her to look after her little brother, share with him, take turns etc. I must admit I worry about sibling rivalry and disagreements as the 9 month old develops his own mind more and more. Great tips for me – to “expect”, not just hope that they will be great friends.
Thanks Julie. I appreciate your comments. x
I have two sisters and am very close to them too. I have two girls very close in age, and had hoped that they would be best friends as I have been with my sisters. I will now ‘expect’ this to happen, and feel much more confident that this will be the case. Thanks for this great insight Kelly.
Sisters are wonderful!
Beautiful kell, couldnt agree more. That bond is very important, we encourage that in our family.
And you have LOTS of experience with sibblings hey!
It’s obvious this post really comes from your heart Kell. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on raising siblings.
You’re welcome.
This is very encouraging and insightful. I can already see a beautiful bond forming between my children. I am an only child, so I have NO idea about sibling relationships, but I’ve always anticipated that my children would have a wonderful, life-long friendship. In my mind, I can ‘see’ how I want my children to relate to each other – both now and as adults. It’s just a matter of demonstrating that to them and guiding them along the way. Thanks for sharing.
You got it in a nutshell Debbie xx
I love your kisses Kell
Don’t worry I am such a kissy person too hehe.
Very beautiful everything you’ve written. So substantiated too from your experiences as both one of four, and having four.
For me, it’s such a huge jump from being an only child to having girl-boy-girl. I love watching their relationships & their love grow for one another everyday, and watching them get better at kissing to say sorry too! This is something I have missed out on my whole life and when I see close siblings I always get this feeling of ‘missing-ness’. My Mum & Dad tried to have so many more before & after me, [they initially wanted 6 all up], but I do know I have 4 brothers or sisters waiting for me in heaven…..
A close, big family is something that’s very dear to my heart. I get really frustrated sometimes when I chat to other Mum’s who, by personal choice, only want one (each to their own, granted, especially if the mother is an only child too so she knows exactly, but when they’re not…) I feel as though they are depriving their child of beautiful sibling relationships. Even though I have made many other only child friends (we must gravitate naturally towards each other lol!), a sibling is for life.
I just feel so very, very blessed that I have married into a family and ‘adopted’ too, 3 brothers and 2 sisters (3 one day hopefully haha!), and have been able to give something to my children.
Love you xoxo
Meeya, I didn’t know your Mum and Dad had so many losses. That is so veyr hard for them (and you!). Well, you certainly have been blessed with a big family now. lol. And your children are beautiful. Love youxx
Hi Kell,
Long time reader, first time poster.
You have really struck a cord in me with this post. I too have a strong relationship with my sister…she’s my best friend. I know that I can ALWAYS turn to her…and I do.
When I found out that I pregnant for a second time (my first is a girl), I got the usual “Are you hoping for a boy” comments. The truth was, I wasn’t. I was longing for another girl, as I couldn’t imagine growing up without a sister.
Well, I did get my second girl and I know it’s a long road, but I can already see the strong relationship they are building. Definitely taking your comments on board.
Thanks so much for your lovely blog. It really serves as an inspiration to this busy mum of two.
Hi Rebecca
Thanks for commenting! I love getting comments. I too was excited that my second was a girl. It’s such a special thing: sisters.
Love Kelly xx
I have two sisters, and despite distance these days, we share a very close bond. Perhaps that’s because we were raised in a completely dysfunctional, abusive home so we HAD to stick together to survive. I love how we can just pick up where we left off, anywhere, anytime.
I feel a bit sad that my own daughter does not have a sister (she has an older brother though) because I know what a blessing sisters are. However, she has a loving and great relationship with her mum which is something I never had!
Plus I know that sometimes in life, there are friends who become “honorary sisters”. Those people for me are Melanie & Nicola who help me run Footprints magazine. Mel & Nic are sisters, and we have been friends ever since I met Mel in Year 11, over 25 years ago now! I think Julia may already have two “almost sisters” in her life – another family we have grown very close to over the past five years, to the point where I call them my adopted daughters!
It just goes to show that ‘being close’ is not always a product of a strong family unit. I totally love the pick-up-where-we-left-off part: so true.
I think your daughter is fortunate to have a friend in you. That’s something I miss very much since my own mother died.
And adopted sisters or honorary sisters are awesome. Share the love.
Fabulous post…
I am not at all close to my only brother, not as kids and not now (though our kids are pretty close which I am really pleased about) but I really want this tight family bond for my kids.
My girls (twins) already have it (in a way I will never understand) but working with them to include and create a bond with their little brother hasn’t been easy a lot of the time… still I think there is a good strong bond there and I expect the same when this next baby is born.
I can imagine it being a little more tricky with twins; with the special bond they share. Four kids is awsome. Go the even numbers lol
This is such an important part of life in this century. Every other aspect of our lives are becoming so taken over by technology that people are forgetting how to talk and forget what feelings really are.
I am very fortunate to have a best friend who is also my sister, although this wasn’t always the case. My parents always took sides, My sister was my Mum’s favourite and I was Dad’s. Their jealously tore us apart as teenagers and there was nothing but resentment and hatred between us.
Our parents are now divorced and my sister and I now inseperable.
I have 3 children who are fantastic friends. We do not accept jealousy, ridicule or nastiness in our home. The words “We don’t treat our family and friends like that.” is used often when explaining situations in the playground.
This is such a big fear of mine that my children won’t come home when they are older for the “Sunday night fish and chips” but I am working to make sure this isn’t the case.
It is very important for my husband and I that we encourage their individual hearts desires and to make them appreciate and be proud of the achievements of their brother and sister.
We are all in this together…
Yep, Family is team work. Sounds like you are doing a great job!
Oh! mY … Wat a gr8 pic ! Just Lovely
Isn’t it just. I LOVE IT!
this is a great post!
I expect all those things then hear my internal voice say – I hope they stay friends for life.
Something I can change – ‘Exptect that they will stay friends for life’
I love it
x
You are awesome Michelle. Do you know that?
Thank you for your encouraging comments on my blog. I WILL be me. No more copying other people.
Your daughter sounds adorable by the way.
I love this post. What a wise woman your mother was. And look at the harvest you as sisters are all reaping with the seeds your mum sowed into all of your lives.
So challenging for me as a mother with my own boys. In a world where sibling rivalry is expected, I am going to expect the opposite for them. xo
My daughter IS adorable – VERY! I think your husband is a very fortunate man Thanks for saying hi. x
@Jo Princess Warrior, My daughter IS adorable – VERY! I think your husband is a very fortunate man
Thanks for saying hi. x
What an inspiritational post! There is such a big difference between hope and expectation. I endevour to be expectant!
So far I only have one child, but most definately want my children to be great friends.
I have 2 older brothers, so I don’t know the joys of having a sister (always wanted one!). But what I do have is an amazingly close relationship with my brothers, and now with both of their wives. The 6 of us (before kids) got together once a month just for a ‘family day’ as we all value the friendship of family.
My husbands relatives all live close growing up so all the cousins are close and great friends. My brothers and I missed out on that due to location of our relatives… So now that we all have kids we are being intentional about creating opportunities for our kids to grow up together and be friends.
There is no truer friendship than what a family ‘should’ be.
Now that we all have kids, it’s not as frequent, but we try to get together regularly as
I agree, in that I don’t the ‘closeness’ is only for sisters. I love it that your brother’s wives are now close with you. That’s a testament of the relationship you have with your brothers.
My sisters and I try and get together often too.
what great advice you have!!!!!!!! I’m looking forward to having 4 children this year….I think it scares other people more than it scares me.
I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your mum, I’m facing up to the fact this year that I will lose my mum to cancer as it continues to spread and it just breaks my heart, brings me to tears at just the thought of it. Its a tough road…..
love your blog
Corrie:)
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