Help Me!

Children with special needs are saying, “Help me!”

I didn’t choose to have children with special needs. Out of my four children, two are average kids, growing and learning.  The other two face challenges which inhibit many areas of normal development.   God has entrusted these four dear children to me to raise, love and cherish–unconditionally.   Each child is different and I endeavour and meet them where they’re at: helping them become who God made them to be, rather than shaping them into who I think they should be.

Below you will find my seven greatest challenges in parenting children with special needs.

1.  Being judged: There have been many times when I’ve wanted the floor to swallow me.  When people frown at me, or make, “You just need to discipline them,” comments I just think, “Don’t judge me, support me.”

My Story: I had to giggle one day.  My son, a textbook child, spent a day in hospital for the insertion of grommets.  He didn’t cry and was compliant in every way.  The doctors and nurses were flawed at his wonderful behaviour and I received many praises for my ‘incredible’ mothering skills.  While this made me feel all warm and fuzzy, I had to laugh.  If instead, my daughter with special needs was in hospital, the staff would have thought I was the worst mother on the planet!  Yet, I’m the same mother to both children.  So yes, having a child with a special needs is a humbling experience; it’s been good for me.

2. Coping: Parenting is extremely challenging sometimes; actually most of the time.  It’s also incredibly rewarding.  When you are parenting a child with special needs, sometimes getting through the day is your only goal.

My Story: At one point, I was pushed to edge of stress EVERYDAY, without exception. When no strategy worked and I was fearful to go anywhere because of what I had to face, it just wore me down.  How to cope?  I don’t know the answer to that question.  Everyday I prayed to God for strength and patience.  I had LOTS of cups of tea.  Time out away from the situation can be very helpful too.  Having someone understand the situation was one of my greatest releases.

3. Finding help: Keep searching until you find someone to help you.  Don’t give up! If you feel uncomfortable with a health professional, find someone else.  The key to help is this formula:

My story: Read this post.

4. Being strong: It’s important to be a fighter.  I am constantly fighting for my children’s needs.  I fight for the environment, the communication and support they need to afford them the opportunity to develop and grow.

My Story: The pediatrician (I recommend seeing a specialist developmental pediatrician) said to me, “You need to become a bossy Mum: fighting for your child, for what they need, and it’s going to be hard sometimes.” He also impressed the importance of prevention (rather than only intervention).  Creating a safe environment for children to grow is vital.

5. Support: Support, support and more support.

My story: I’m fortunate to have family and friends who care enough to want to learn about my children’s condition so they can help me in this journey.  I feel so blessed.

6. Compassion: When an issue is constant and endless it’s hard to feel compassion.

My story: My daughter would scream hundreds of times per day (no exaggeration).  Sometimes for hours.  I had gotten to the point where I felt no compassion.  Often, when I was out, friends would jump when they heard my child scream (it sounded like her leg was being cut off) and was amazed how ‘calm’ I was.  I wasn’t calm.  I had shut down.  I felt a hot still deadness inside.  It’s such an awful feeling.  The pediatrician helped me to understand my daughter and feel compassion for her.  She was crying out for help, I just didn’t know how to do it.  And now I do.  I have the skills to help her!  And I have; I’ve helped her and I’m so glad.

7. Siblings: There’s a lot of pressure on the siblings of special needs children.  The relative challenges affect the entire family.  I believe communication is the key.

My story: These are the communication steps I established with my older two children about their little sister. (This system can also be used to talk to teachers etc.)

Code: Flossie (my eldest), Scottie (number two), Cossie (special needs little sister).

Acknowledge: You know what? I know Cossie is difficult and sometimes you get stressed with her. Mummy does too.

Perspective: But we are a family.  No matter what!  And we always support and stand up for each other.

Relate: We are respectful of you Flossie when you get anxious and distracted.  And Scottie, we are understanding when you are emotional.  Respecting and helping one another is some of the ways we can show love.

Educate: Cossie  has this sort of problem and we can help her by talking to her like this. (I elaborated)

Report: If you have tried to communicate with her and it’s not working, come and see me and Mummy will help. (In many situations, assistance is required.)

Reiterate: We are here to help and love each other. We are a team.

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I feel blessed in my gifts: my children.  I’m here for them all; to love them, to cherish them and to help them; in any and every way that I can.

Tagged as: aspergers, aspergers spectrum, autism, children, developmental disorder, help, judged, kids, learning disorder, occupational therapist, OT, pediatrician. doctor, sad, sensory processing disorder, Special needs, upset