I don’t have a physiology degree nor am I an expert in childhood education; however, I was blessed with a beautiful example of child raising by my parents and have been around children all my life. This has led me to develop my own style of parenting (as we all do), encompassing my past experiences, what I’ve read and my foundation in faith.
Positive parenting is all the rage these days. While many of the principles are helpful, I find the programs irritating. I believe in putting positives with negatives rather than focusing on one or the other.
Life is full of light and dark; you can’t separate them. I like to call my approach to parenting, shading.
My concern with exclusive positive parenting or negative parenting, is the child either thinks everything is hunky dory or the opposite: they think they do everything wrong. I strive to find the balance between these approaches.
Scenario 1
Young child goes down a slide head first.
Example of exclusive positive parenting
Response: Jonny, can you show me how you can go down the slide correctly?
My note: Now, while this is great, if there is a rule, it needs to be acknowledged in my opinion.
Exclusive negative parenting
Response: JONNY! Don’t slide down head first.
My note: It’s easy to focus on what not to do rather than giving a child instruction on what TO DO.
Shading Parenting
Response: Jonny, what’s the rule? We must sit down when we go down the slide.
My note: In my approach, the negative is acknowledged, which I believe is important; however, the negative is followed by a positive = balance.
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Here some more examples:
Scenario 2
Child has dirty hands after eating or a messy activity.
Positive: Go wash your hands.
Negative: Don’t touch anything.
Shading: Hands in prayers until you get to the bathroom.
Scenario 3
Child leaves clothes on the floor.
Positive: Put your clothes away please.
Negative: Don’t leave the clothes on the floor.
Shading: When you leave clothes on the floor it looks messy. Can you please put them away.
Scenario 4
Child does not get into the car when asked.
Positive: Come on, let’s race to the car.
Negative: You are so naughty. I said get in the car.
Shading: I’m feeling sad because you’ve not done what I asked. We are going to be late now. Next time I, when I ask you to get in the car, I expect you to do it straight away.
Scenario 5
Acknowledging behaviour. Putting shoes on the shoe rack.
It’s imperative to acknowledge positive behaviour. I go out of my way to focus and praise my children for beautiful behaviour. In addition to this, an invaluable asset to give a child is to equip them to recognise their weaknesses and strengths.
Positive: Thank you for putting your shoes on the rack Jonny!
Negative: Only communication to Jonny was when he left his shoes on the ground.
Shading: I know you’ve been working on being less thoughtless and I can see so much improvement. Thank you so much for putting your shoes back on the rack.
I need to note, this is how I aim to parent, in reality, I use all three. I hope the shading style comes out more than the others.
Be A Fun Mum Link:
External Link:
Negative Side of Positive Psychology by Barbara S Held
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
love the hands in prayers bit, very clever.
Very good ideas, most would work for us too. Only Mr 17 months needs fewer words but I get the gist of it.
I use all 3 depending on my mood, which is not fair to my kids. I do try to ‘catch the positives’ far more than scold the negatives. Most of the time it comes down to time.
(I have had a response from Miss before to a It makes me sad statement, of Oh Well! , lets just say she was not in the good books that afteroon.)
If you ever wanted to you would make a great primary school teacher. It’s never to late.
I hope that’s the way I sound most of the time – it takes longer but is so worth while.
Great suggestions, I,m sounding more negative at the moment. I’ll put the shading approach into practice. Love the word ‘Shading.’ Thanks Kelly.
Thanks again for the gentle reminder, yesterday after reading your thoughts I practiced being proactive instead of reactive and loved the results again, I had forgotten how much better it made me feel, and my daughter as well. So… I am going to get back into “Shading” as well….I lost my ability to have endless patience when I had my 2nd daughter 5 months ago, so I am definatley wanting to get back into parenting the way I was brought up. My Mom has passed away, so I don’t have her to remind me when I need reminding… so I am thankful I found you. Shading is a good example… thank you so much.
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