Discipline

Discipline is a tricky subject.  I’ve given much thought to this matter and am going to try and get it down on paper, well, on virtual paper. 

There is much debate on different forms of discipline. For me, it’s not so much about the form of discipline used but rather on the attitude behind the instruction.  I believe there is a distinct difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is the result of breaking rules; discipline is long term training and instruction.  Anyone can impose punishment resulting in little personal cost.  If laws or rules are broken punishment is imposed on children in schools and adults in society alike.  Discipline, on the other hand, is ongoing training that comes with great cost to the disciplinarian.  Discipline is all about love.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of punishing your child and not disciplining them; I’ve done it myself.  There’s a place for punishment but not in the home environment.  Rather, I like to call the act of discipline, consequence for actions.  Punishment tends to be an oppressive thing; the act of conforming a person to fit a certain mould.   On the other hand, discipline is when you stretch out your hand to guide, but not steer, another along Life’s journey. Discipline is all about encouraging self-control.

Punishment is useless unless lessons are learned.  To give a child the skill of self-control is priceless.  This skill is learned through discipline as children understand choices and grow from the mistakes they make.  A discipleship can only truly be effective if there is trust.  Discipline is all about trust.

My children trust me; this frightens me.  I’m responsible for raising my children to the best of my ability (with God’s help) but I make so many mistakes; so, so many mistakes.  When I struggle to communicate to my children the reasons for a decision, I often ask this question: Do you trust me?  The answer is always, yes. Sometimes a child cannot understand a decision. An established relationship breeds trust and trust promotes obedience.  Discipline is all about teaching obedience.

I recently read an article on the Connect2Mums website titled: Obedience – Should our children obey their parents? by Carol Disseldorp.  While I don’t agree with this principal, I found the article thought provoking.  In summary, Carol asserts that children have the choice to refuse to do certain things their parents ask of them.  The reasons why I don’t agree with this are many, but I will list a few.  Firstly, if discipline is effective, then a parent will not ask something of a child that is not necessary and in turn, the child will trust the parent’s choice (but not always like it).  I have to interject here and say that I have made many mistakes about what I have asked of my children, and I have learned from those mistakes.  It makes my role of parenting  challenging because the buck stops with me.  On the other hand, it’s my children’s job to respect and obey what I ask.  Secondly, I need my children to obey me for safety reasons.  I need to know if I say STOP, my child will stop.  Further, because I have four children, I expect obedience so the family functions.  For example, when we get out of the car at the shops, our rule is the children lean against the side of our car as I get the baby out.  It would be difficult for me, and unsafe for my children, if they choose to disregard our family rules. Lastly, I teach obedience because the Bible does, read here.  The Bible is full of life changing principals for living.  To avoid being legalistic, which can lead to a suppression, two-way communication is imperative.  Obedience is all about listening.

A child needs to feel like they have a voice; that someone is really listening and understands them.  I often remind myself to hear my children’s voice.  I encourage my children to express their feelings and I try always to take that into account when I’m making a decision.  My original choices are often (but not always) changed after listening to my children.  It’s a tricky balance, especially as children mature.  The idea is when children are very young, the discipline falls entirely on the parent’s shoulders.  Over time, this gradually changes until the child is an adult and must use self-discipline.  Disclipline is a journey.

What I’m not a fan of 

NOTE:  I have to clarify this section.  I don’t want to come across as someone who knows all the answers.  Far out!  I’ve made millions of mistakes.  I guess I want to share what I have learnt, am learning and my opinion on discipline.

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Counting: “Come here!”  “Mummy is going to count.  One, two, two, two…… three.”  Children are amazingly aware of how far they can push the two. 

What I do: I say, ”Come” once and then again as a reminder.  If my child still does not come I go and get them. Then there is a consequence for the disobedience.  For my young child, it means being strapped into the stroller instead of the freedom of walking.

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White lies:  It’s SOOOO easy to tell white lies to your child.  The most common I’ve heard comes about when parents need to leave somewhere and the child does not.  It tends to go like this: “BYE! Mummy is going now.  You’ll be left behind.”  Now, personally, I don’t know any parent who would actually leave their child.  I actually think it’s unkind to instill this fear in a child.  They should know that you would NEVER leave them.  I know a lot of parents do this without thinking; however, I think it can do a lot of damage if it’s used as a constant threat.

What I do: If my child refuses to leave, I go and get them.  For my younger children it means a consequence for their action.  For my older children I remind them to be glad that we were able to go out and how I love hearing them say, “Thanks Mum,” instead of whinging.  In fact, it’s a strategy our family use.  When we leave somewhere they say, “Thanks for taking us out Mum and Dad.”  They need to be reminded sometimes

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Escalating instruction:  Now this is a huge challenge to me.  I catch myself often nagging until it escalates to yelling. “Do this….. Do this…. I SAID DO THIS!!!!!”  Again, like the counting strategy, children can decipher your tone of voice and at what decibel you REALLY mean what you say.

What I do:  I catch myself when I am using escalating instruction.  It often means I don’t really have a clear idea of what should be done and when.  So, I think about it and try and use clear instruction and follow through if it’s ignored.

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Giving in to tantrums:  “Alright Johnny, you can have the lolly then.”

What I do:  There have been many occasions when I’ve wanted the floor to swallow me.  My children have a real knack of embarrassing me in the most inconvenient moments, and I admit to giving in, rarely though.  However, I do try and be strong, even when I’m embarrassed.  If I’m in a public place, I get out at the earliest opportunity.

What I’m a fan of

Consistency: Consistency, consistency, oh, and did I mention consistency?  Consistency is one of the keys to effective discipline. So hard but so true.

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Reconciliation:  After discipline is administered, there has to be reconciliation so there’s no underlying resentment.    A hug and a kiss goes a long way. 

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Reverse physiology:  It may be weird to have this in the positives but we make a joke of things in our family (mostly because my husband has a warped sense of humour and I love it).  If something goes wrong my husband says, “Okay, the right thing to do is fall on the ground, kick your legs and go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”  The children laugh roll their eyes and say, “No DAD!”

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Positive words:  It’s easy to voice negatives and forget to voice positives.  I try and verbally encourage my children at every opportunity.

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Saying sorry: I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to apologise to my children (too many to count).  Children need to know parents make mistakes too.

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Love:  “Don’t discipline when you’re angry,” my Mum always told me.  It’s a good idea to calm down a little so you can think clearly because discipline is all about love.

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Visually, my view on discipline would look a little like the image below.

If you only take only thing from this essay thingy, remember that discipline is all about Love and God is Love

This post was mentioned by SuperParents.  Read the post here.